Stories and Sex Ed With Some Ember Grandparents and Local Pastors

Tuesday, August 23

I know I'm not keeping to chronological order at all, but some of these are harder to write and I keep putting them off.


Robert had scheduled a meeting with twenty-five of the grandparents who have worked with the Wholistic Team, whom I trained in 2009. The team volunteers in the community, usually but not just with grandparents and grandchildren of the Ember Project. They do quite a bit of sex education, but hadn't yet broached the topic of condoms with the grandparents. The team is behind Robert, from left, Immaculate, Sarah, Judith and Harrison.

Phylis and I wanted to mostly listen to stories, but also wanted to add a little value by presenting some information or activities that might be interesting and new for the grandparents. We proposed teaching how to use condoms, since the team hadn't introduced it yet.

Robert wasn't so sure the time was yet right, and, in addition, five local pastors would be attending. So, the three of us hatched a strategy. Phylis and I would listen to stories and ask questions. Then, we would team-teach refusal and delay skills and make up a few role plays. Then we'd ask for some role plays from the grandparents. After that, they'd be primed. We'd mention that discussing and practicing with their grandchildren how to stay safe from potential pressures is helping them abstain. Then we'd ask what other information could help their grandchildren stay safe, and keep our fingers crossed that someone would say to be faithful and to use condoms (ABC). And we'd be off and running, asking them if they'd like us to show them how to talk about it.

Before we got to that point, though, we listened to some very hard stories. These grandparents are very open about some of their struggles, but I've changed the names. Some stories don't have a grandparent in a photo, and some photos are unrelated to any of the stories. These are all people who, at a time in their lives when the cultural expectation is that they will be slowing down, getting support from their children, and relaxing into old age, they have children to raise again. And school fees to pay, clothes to buy, medical care to pay for . . . When they thought some hard-earned rest was coming their way, with age-related issues of their own, they are looking at never being able to stop hoeing the fields.



One grandmother, Pamela, told us that she'd had four children. The first three died of complications of AIDS, leaving behind nine grandchildren whom she is raising. Her last daughter died in childbirth, and the baby died, too. She said it is "such pain to lose those children." Then she said that she "struggles, but we are fine."

Another, Susan, said that her son married and had five children, but then became "mentally disturbed." He ran away and didn't want to stay with his wife. His wife left, and left all five children with Susan, her mother-in-law. Susan's son is still alive but not well mentally, and she is raising all of the children. Ember has helped with a goat and school uniforms. And she is a member of a popular activity here, a merry-go-round, with some other Ember grandparents. Everyone puts in a little money each meeting, and when it's your turn, you get a lump sum. She uses it to help buy food in larger quantities. She said she is "thankful to God who gave Magina (that's Robert) the mind to go outside and bring help."


A grandfather, Henry, reported that his daughter died of complications of AIDS when her son was seven. The father abandoned the boy to the maternal grandparents, and Henry and his wife have raised their grandson since. He's now twenty, and they managed to get him all the way through high school. This is no mean feat here, where school fees are a struggle for these poor grandparents.



There is a theme here of parents abandoning their children to grandparents rather than raising them themselves. I'm having a lot of trouble with it, and will write more about it some other time. It's making me angry. And really sad for these kids. I'm trying to get a better handle on it, and have a lot more stories about it, not just from the grandparents. Later.








After the stories, Phylis and I introduced the idea of refusal skills and delay skills. We had a lot of fun with the group demonstrating body language and creativity with language as we gave a few examples. (The skills were developed by ETR Associates in their excellent curriculum "Reducing the Risk", www.etr.org.)





Here I think I was a 7th grade boy, and Phylis was my female teacher trying to lure me to her home by asking me to come home with her and help her carry water. I don't recall trying to punch her, but that's what this photo looks like.


Break time, and then back to work.


Here Phylis was my uncle, I think, trying to get me to come into his bedroom on the pretense that he was sick and needed help, but I was suspicious and wise to his ways!


A nice stretch.


And then we all shouted "no" (actually,"haba", pronounced "hava", in Kisamia, a dialect of Kiluhya). I expected to have to ask them to try it again louder, but Phylis and I were practically deafened on their first attempt.


These grandmothers were a male boda boda driver (on the right) and a young girl walking past. The "young girl", in the red shirt, finally ended up shouting at the top of her lungs at the driver, shaking his hand off of her, and gesturing him away. It was actually really stressful and intense for the audience, and we had a round of applause and a cathartic laugh when it was over. And, as I'd hoped, the woman who played the predator reported being practically undone and very upset at being shouted at. It helped demonstrate that when we forget about embarrassing ourselves by causing a scene, and really believe that we have a right to scream at someone, or do anything else to keep ourselves safe, it can be very effective.








The guy on the left is a pastor, and on the right an Ember grandfather. The pastor played a fishmonger trying to get a schoolchild to come into his shop by offering not to charge him for the fish. The stories that the audience members came up with took them about one minute to figure out and propose. These are really big issues around here.

Then, our strategy paid off. The group volunteered that condom use could also keep their grandchildren safe, and we were off to the races. After a discussion of faithfulness (overlapping, or concurrent, sexual partners are a major driver of the HIV epidemic in Africa) we asked whether they wanted us to show them how to teach about condoms. An overwhelming yes!


The Trust condom package (the brand I like to use for demonstrations, as it has a small piece of paper inside with picures and instructions) has three condoms inside.





We distributed one little box to everyone, with the hope that they would use it at home for teaching.


Difficult to tell here, but I'm filling up a condom with water.


Circumcised versus uncircumcised penis. Size may not matter, folks, but being circumcised does. Men who are circumcised are 60% less likely to get HIV from unprotected sex with an infected partner.



Yes, there's a right side up and a wrong side up. And if you get it wrong, you can't just turn the condom right way round and put it on again!

The young woman who was taking photos for us evidently couldn't bring herself to photograph us putting the condom (correctly and consistently) on the model of a penis that we use.


Harrison thanking the grandparents and pastors for their time and attention, and Phylis and me for our contributions.


Robert exhorting everyone to share the information.

After we finished, the pastors all came up to ask us to speak at their churches. People are really ready for this information.